Things I Will Do If I Am Ever the Vampire
1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of
the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and
drives him into action.
They'll still be there when he
2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross
and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault
rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground,
there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than
with a sniper rifle.
4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of
the thigh, the lower part of the breast or other location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of
clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.
5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be
difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.
6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim
resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine
for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.
9. I will wear _white_ clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as black.
10. If I can't avoid wearing black all the time, and acting wierd, I will go to bars which cater to that sort of clientele. It would
make it more difficult for the hero to pick me out of the crowd.
11. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the
12. I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centiuries of experience. Even inexperienced
losers can get lucky.
13. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort
of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.
14. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a
rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.
15. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to
goad the Hero into making an attack. That would goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked
away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.
16. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grows older
and they will become whiny and disobedient.
17. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits
are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
18. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less
noticeable in suburbia.
19. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune
20. I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a
21. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to
be at the same time as the Hero or his friends.
22. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.
23. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying
in the castle unless they have express consent from me.
24. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container and there will be ordinary food
in there for camouflage.
25. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I.......am......Dra.
26. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars or
vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
27. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant.
I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be
dead or senile.
28. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go
out in the sun.
29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.
30. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.
31. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.
32. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a
servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and
shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.
33. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the
castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.
34. I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a
religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons,
I can always open fire.
35. I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible,
delaying him considerably...
36. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.
37. I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive drugs.
38. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion
to me in public.
39. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I
can always create more.
40. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my
future concubines. Therefore, I take the teacher at the all-girls school first.
41. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named
Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.
42. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he
43. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are
for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.
44. All future concubines will be stripped searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.
45. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be
identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
46. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community and will make
sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
47. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and
his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi.
47a. And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient
hard-to-trace method of my choice).
48. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After
a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which
will undoubtably be ways to destroy me.
49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it
50. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
51. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a
modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts
longer in a fight.
52. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines they work quite effectively on the Hero and
his friends. Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in
attack only as a last resort.
53. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite
marks impossible to identify.
54. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in
order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.
55. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.
56. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of. They
have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy me.
57. More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running
58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.)
But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab
me with it.
59. I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is
a usefull skill.
60. As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos clothing.
61. I will make lots of long term investments.
61a. With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete
human blood, or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonalds instead of
bothering the hero's womenfolk.
62. While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the
attentions of Heros.
63. As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.
64. I will not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.
65. If I find out that there is a "Vampire Slayer" living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the
advantages confered by that particular location.
66. When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs.
67. I will put on lots of makeup and fur, and howl at the moon every once in a while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably
enable me to get away with a silver bullet or two.
68. I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good source of income, and I don't have to worry
much about the possibility of something going wrong.
The population of rec.arts.sf.written.