Werdz uv Whizzzdum

5 Out of 4 people have trouble understanding fractions.

Fer sell cheep: IBM spel chekker, wurks grate.

Flashlight: A nice case for holding dead batteries.

Anything dropped in the bathroom will land in the toilet.

His wife was a brunette. He had married a blonde, but then she dyed.

Grandma started walking 5 miles a day at 60, now she's 93 and we have no idea where she is.

Postcard: Having a wonderful time. Wish you were her.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

If you're ever around when someone dies, look up and wave. They'll get a big kick out of it!

A man is incomplete until he's married. After that, he's finished.

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Californians are not without their faults.

Baroque: When you run out of Monet.

Bullets speak louder than reason.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

Beer nuts cost a few dollars. Deer nuts are under a buck.

Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Avoid blue food.

The 1-900 O.J. Hotline is a pure example of greed. Anybody that would waste thier time and money calling is just plain stupid... besides, it's always busy.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. treasury with nothing. That was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

11 was a racehorse. 22 was 12. 1111 race. 22112.

A dirty book is rarely dusty.

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

The two most abundant things in the universe, hydrogen and stupidity.

A day without fusion and radiation is like a day without sunshine.

Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to art.

Ears pierced while you wait!

Evian spelled backwards is naive.

Dogs are so useful, I'm surprised they're not sold in vending machines.

Due to monetary constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel is being shut off.

Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

Can you yell "Movie!" in a crowded firehouse?

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on. This person must be fired!

Credit is a system that lets us start at the bottom and dig ourselves a hole.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good lucky feeling.

Classic oxymorons: Married Life, Military Intelligence, Postal Service, Rap Music, Country Music, Honorable Justice.

By day, it's a really uncomfortable couch. By night, it's an even more uncomfortable bed. Futon! Ask for it by name!

Could you repeat the part right after "Listen very carefully"?

As she hears the wedding march begin, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: Aisle, Altar, Hymn.

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

Avoid wine with a childproof cap.

9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out 10 doctors is an idiot.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A girl asked me out last week. I was in her house at the time.

Father: "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"
Son: "Dad, I'm over here."

Felines... nothing more than felines...

Health nuts will feel stupid some day, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Everywhere is within walking distance, if you have the time.

Energizer bunny arrested! ... Charged with battery!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Buy land! They've stopped making it.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Anything preying on your mind would starve to death.

Sad, but true: All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than one second.

Committee: A life form with six legs and no brain.

He heard she was stuck up, and he asked her how much they got.

A computer lets you make mistakes faster than any other invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.

A day without sunshine is like night.

An idiot with the right tools is still an idiot.

A team effort is everyone doing what I say.

Given the choice to sleep with anyone, living or dead, chose the living one.

A leopard never changes his stripes. - Al Gore

A good vacuum really sucks.

He does the work of three men! ... Larry, Moe & Curly

Ever get so drunk that when you put money in the jukebox, a pack of Marlboros falls out?

Crime Control: Fire a warning shot into thier heart.

After working out, I feel like a 20-year old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.

He knew a lot about railroads, but he had taken a lot of training.

Closed hearing for the caption impaired.

A light year has 1/3 less calories than a regular year.

I have never seen the Catskill mountains, but I have seen them kill mice.

He lived his life to the very end.

Close your eyes and try to imagine how little I care.

All bleeding eventually stops.

An IRS audit is like an autopsy without the benefit of dying.

Crime doesn't pay. Does that mean my job is a crime?

Cuba used to have a great Olympic rowing team, but all the really great rowers ended up on the U.S. team.

An apple every 8 hours will keep three doctors away.

Advertising is legalized lying.

A man's home is his hassle.

A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

A man should build a house with his own hands before he calls himself an engineer.

A legend is a lie that has obtained the dignity of age.

A gnab gib is a big bang in reverse.

A budget is a planned method of worrying.

Before giving someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

"Brain Over" -- Insert Coin.