Temperature Table

The coldest air of the season is now entering the United States. As a public
service, I am providing the following temperature table to show you the effects of
and help you deal with the impending arctic blast.

(degrees Fahrenheit / Celsius)

+50 / +10 * New York tenants turn on the heat * Wisconsinites plant gardens *
Airmass too stable for supercells

+40 / +4 * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Wisconsinites sunbathe

+35 / +2 * Italian cars don't start

+32 / 0 * Distilled water freezes

+30 / -1 * You can see your breath * You plan a vacation in Florida * Politicians
begin to worry about the homeless * Wisconsinites eat ice cream

+25 / -4 * Boston water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Cat insists on
sleeping on your bed with you

+20 / -7 * Cleveland water freezes * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts 

+15 / -10 * You plan a vacation in Acapulco * Cat insists on sleeping in your bed
with you * Wisconsinites go swimming

+10 / -12 * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * Too cold to snow * You
need jumper cables to get the car going

0 / -18 * New York landlords turn on the heat * Sheboygan brats grilled on the
patio, yum!

-5 / -21 * You can hear your breath * You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10 / -23 * American cars don't start * Too cold to skate

-15 / -26 * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Miamians cease
to exist * Wisconsinites lick flagpoles

-20 / -29 * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you * Politicians actually
do something about the homeless * People in Green Bay think about taking down
screens * Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for supercells

-25 / -32 * Too cold to kiss * You need jumper cables to get the driver going *
Japanese cars don't start * Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training

-30 / -34 * You plan a two-week hot bath * Pilsener freezes * Bock beer production
begins * Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof

-38 / -39 * Mercury freezes * Too cold to think * Wisconsinites button top button

-40 / -40 * Californians disappear * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you *
Wisconsinites put on sweaters

-50 / -46 * Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window *
Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60 / -51 * Walruses abandon Aleutians * Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the
Season" * Wisconsinites put gloves away, take out mittens * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire
start Klondike Derby

-70 / -57 * Glaciers in Central Park * Hudson residents replace diving boards with
hockey nets * Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

-80 / -62 * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island * Rhinelander Birkebeiner * Girl
Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90 / -68 * Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro * Lawyers chase ambulances
for no more than 10 miles * Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be
warmer

-100 / -73 * Santa Claus abandons North Pole * Wisconsinites pull down earflaps

-173 / -114 * Ethyl alcohol freezes * Only Door County cherries usable in brandy
Manhattans

-297 / -183 * Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere * Microbial life survives only
on dairy products

-445 / -265 * Superconductivity

-452 / -269 * Helium becomes a liquid

-454 / -270 * Hell freezes over * Chicago Cubs win world series * Roger Edwards
sees a wedge tornado

-456 / -271 * Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35

-458 / -272 * Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions

-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero) * All atomic motion ceases * Wisconsinites admit it's
getting a mite nippy

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