Slogans to Remember
Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump
and spill it.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll
just have to rent it.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm
not too sure.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips
and chains excite me.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it
needed replacement anyway.
Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
You know it's going to be a bad day when you
jump out of bed and miss the floor.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
It's not what you say in your argument, it's
how loud you say it.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
The ultimate reason is "because."
I'm objective; I object to everything.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Death to all fanatics!
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor
without hanging on.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to
enjoy doing it badly.
It's only a game until you lose.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Fine day to work off excess energy, steal
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Everything is unimportant in some way.
Life is a terminal disease.
How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of
If you think this week was a drag, wait till
you see what happens next week!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a
If you knew what you were doing, you'd be
Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Experience varies directly with equipment
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
Save the whales, collect the whole set.
If everything is coming your way, then you're
in the wrong lane.
90% of everything is crud.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one
of those lifetimes.
Death is life's way of telling you you're
If all else fails, throw up.
If you understand something today, it must be
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch.
Don't play with your food, especially after
you've already eaten it.
Speak softly, but carry an M16.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death,
I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to
survive it, anyway.
I am Stoned of Borg! Resistance is like, like,
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Time flies when you don't know what you're
People who think they know what they're doing
are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find it
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the
core . . . I like that in a person.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
It's an IBM; it's got an excuse.
No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't
laugh at it, you are in really deep sh*t.
Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
Chirpes: n. A canarial disease, no tweetment.
IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what
you really think of them.
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is;
it's always room temperature.
It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by
making it legal?
All things are possible, except skiing through
a revolving door.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I
You know it's a bad day when you put your bra
on backwards and it fits better.
Profanity is the one language all programmers
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least
they're the scenic route.
The 100% American is 99% an idiot.
It says "Insert disk #3" but only two
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for
everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no
longer feel guilty.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes
is the answer.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Madness takes its toll. Please use exact
For people who like peace and quiet: the
Budget (v): A method of going broke
Shin (n): A device for finding furniture in the
Always look out for number one. Don't step in
number two either.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look
Mental floss prevents moral decay.
Diplomacy (v): Method of letting someone have
A conclusion is simply the place where you got
tired of thinking.
Be nice to your kids, they choose your nursing
Here they are... Just cut 'n paste them onto your e-mail signature...
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people
around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move." -- David Letterman
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
"In a mad world only the mad are sane." Akira Kurosawa
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli
"On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
what it does."
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort
to teach them good manners.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
"I don't have to live like them to represent them." --Congressman Norm
Dicks about the necessity of a $30,000 midnight pay raise which was more
than many of his constituents salaries.
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
green, baggy skin.
"Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny." -- Frank Zappa
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
"I do not suggest that you should not have an open mind ... but don't keep
your mind so open that your brains fall out." --William J. Bennett
Earthly life is short -- aim carefully. Duncan Long
"$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
increase to more than $100,000,000--by which time it will be worth
nothing." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"Being right too soon is socially unacceptable." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by
legislation. Stupidity isn't a sin, the victim can't help being stupid.
But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death,
there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without
pity." - Robert A. Heinlein
Things could be worse. You could live in DC. Duncan Long
"Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what
parents were created for." -- Ogden Nash
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
"640K of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates,
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
"EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A VICTIM. And the paradox is that victim status
accrues precisely to those who can acquire enough clout to make others
afraid of them. Victimhood has become one of the fruits of power. Anyone
can be an underdog; the trick is to be a registered, pedigreed underdog."
--Joseph Belloc Sobran.
"Every election, Mickey Mouse looks better and better as President."
"When your child has matured sufficiently to understand how the judicial
system works, set a bedtime for him and then send him to bed an hour
early. When he tearfully accuses you of breaking the rules, explain that
you made the rules and you can interpret them in any way that seems
appropriate to you, according to changing conditions. This will prepare
him for the Supreme Court's concept of the US Constitution as a 'living
document'." --Joseph Sobran
If 'everybody knows' such-and-such, then it ain't so, by at least a factor
of ten thousand to one." --Robert A. Heinlein
"Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to
think!" --Homer Simpson
"I love being a writer . . . what I can't stand is the paperwork."
"THESE ARE days when the Christian is expected to praise every creed but
his own." -G.K. Chesterton.
"God made all men, Sam Colt made 'em equal." --Saying of the Old West
"It's fun to dream about a "back to nature" existence, Swiss Family
Robinson, Noble Savage, et al, but what you're really dreaming about is
mass murder on a grand scale. That's what makes the tree hugger Greens so
horrific. To enable the existence they want, 9/10ths of humanity has to
die." --Gary Coffman
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying
literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
"Whether the FBI tanks started the fire - which killed over 80 people -
accidentally or intentionally, or whether it was started by the Davidian's
themselves, we will not find the real answer here as to why it happened.
We're looking in the wrong direction. A no-knock search warrant via tax
enforcement, served up by the Federal government through a violent, armed
raid, was the initial spark which started the inferno at Waco." - Scott W.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
"They pretend to tell us the truth, and we pretend to believe them."
--Duncan Long, about the "mainstream press."
"Be obscure clearly" - E.B. White
"LET'S FACE THE OBVIOUS. Yesterday we were nerds. Today we're the
cognitive elite. Let's conquer." -Chester G. Edwards
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
"I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe
what you just said." William Buckley, Jr., during a debate with a
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
"You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward." James Thurber:
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." -- Yiddish saying
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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