SEX(1)                       USER COMMANDS                        SEX(1)
NAME
     sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
     sex [ options ] usercode [ usercode ... ]
DEFAULTS
     If no usernames are specified, names are taken from the LOVERS
     environment variable.
OPTIONS
     Options to make things more interesting are as follows:
-1  wiggle
-a  external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b  buggery
-B  <animal>  bestiality with <animal>
-c  chocolate sauce option
-C  chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d  <file>  get a date with the features described in <file>
-e  exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f  foreplay option
-F  nasal sex with plants
-i  coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j  jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l  leather option
-L  Lick option
-m  masochism (see -s)
-M  triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n  necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it)
-N  Nipple option
-o  oral option
-O  parallel access (flower-picking party)
-p  debug option (proposition only)
-P  pedophilia (must specify a child process)
-q  quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s  sadism (target must set -m)
-S  sundae option
-v  voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-v1 vaseline option
-V  Vibrator option
-w  whipped cream option
-W  whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
-x  extra (loop routine - cumming back for more)
-y  yogurt option
ERRORS
     'Missing External'      = "Where did I put the vibrator"
     'Mismatch error'        = One component is non-standard
     'Next without For'      = Next process has been started without foreplay.
     'Syntax Error'          = Error in chat up line
     'I/O Error'             = Input-Output is too slow.
     'Unknown Procedure'     = The process is non-standard but fun.
     'No Such Line'          = Chat up line has gone down
     'Out of Memory'         = You had too much to drink last night.
     'Illegal Input'         = 3 fingers are quite enough
     'Undefined Variable'    = Decide how much you are going to pay.
     'Identifier not Used'   = Don't give her your name.
     'Do without Loop'       = At least do it twice
     'Inserted ; '           = Only with users permission bit set.
     'Insufficient data'     = "Oh yeah, I've taken precautions"
     'Your party is not
      responding'            = Unsuccessful strip-poker request call
     'Access Denied'         = Chastity bit set.
     'Unknown Host Name'     = "Whose party is it?"
     'Output Only'           = don't try anal sex
     'Can't Access Floppy'   = "Where the hell is it!"
     'Server Not Responding' = Either too much drink or impotent.
     'Too many Arguments'    = Don't try talking to partner.
     'Peripheral in Use'     = Remove chewing-gum before administering blowjob
     'Bad Baud Rate'         = Use your imagination or she'll get bored.
     'Copy is Unreadable'    = Porno-mags are not for reading
     'Already Open'          = Just undo the button and off they come.
     'Process Timed Out'     = Premature ejaculation has occurred
     'Out of Range'          = Her husband is in London
     'Unmatched ('           = Boobs are of different sizes.
     'Permission Denied'     = I told you not to try anal sex
     'No repeat'             = Not tonight darling, I'm too tired.
     'Source is Protected'   = Very sensible, always keep one with you.
     'Invalid Entry'         = Don't take advantage of disabled people.
     'CPU down'              = Had to happen sooner or later.
     'Connection closed by
      foreign host'          = Husband arrival
     'Illegal Direct'        = "hi babe, wanna fuck" is not implemented.
     'Can't Read'            = People want intellectuals these days
     'Begin Without End'     = Not likely to occur
     'only 3 connections
      allowed'               = Stop being greedy!
     'bad track'             = told u not to do it to Des O'Connor!
     'write protected'       = its ok, she's had the op.
     'cannot open'           = her knees are surgically joined
     'file already open'     = she's a slut
     'no manual entry'       = switch to auto pilot
     'no such process'       = forget it, its impossible
     '65 bytes free'         = after this, bites cost 10p each.
     'no command'            = she knows what you want
     'your party has logged
      out'                   = you were too long at the chemists
     'RTFM error'            = see karma sutra
     'mistake'               = yup, thats her asshole!
     'no device specified'   = which vibrator do you want?
     'no such device'        = if device no. > 15"
     'Stopped'               = Doorbell activated
     'Stopped by operator'   = Phone rings
     'Interrupt'             = son arrives at location
     'dlog file exists'      = you logged out before ejaculation
     'missing end statement' = she had gone when you awoke.
     'missing bit'           = Jewish operator
SEX PASCAL  v.69
ERRORS
     'Hex number too large'  = The last time I saw one that big it was hanging
                               under a donkey
     'Variable too big for
      memory'                = It's so big it's mind-blowing
     'BEGIN expected'        = She's got her clothes off and ready to go
     'Too many procedures'   = The foreplay's gone on long enough
     'DO expected'           = "Come on, do it to me!"
     'Label not declared'    = What brand of condoms have you got?
     'END expected'          = "Please stop, I've had enough!"
     'Too many digits'       = You can't put your whole hand up
     'Premature end of file' = It went limp before the climax
     'Too many devices'      = Which vibrator shall I choose from?
     'Variant device'        = I'll choose this one - it's got thrusting action
     'Tag type mismatch'     = The condom's too big
     'Real device expected'  = I don't want a vibrator - I need the real thing
     'Can't read this type'  = I've lost my glasses and cannot read the small
                               writing on this sex manual
     'Too many dimensions    = I'm having problems translating page 47
      for translator'          of the kama sutra into Serbo Croat
     'Digit expected'        = Get your magic fingers working on my erogenous
                               zones
     'ID table overflow'     = I told you not to do it on the table where it
                               would overflow onto the carpet
     'Too many nested        = There's so many Des O'Connor records on
      records'                 that shelf that it's put me off the job
FATAL ERROR
      'Premature termination  = she had an epileptic fit while giving blowjob
       of parameter'
DEMONSTRATION PROGRAM
Program Sex (input,output,input,output,input,output,input,output);
var
   condom,up,down : boolean;
Procedure up_and_down;
begin
 if up=true then
  down
 else
  up
end;
begin
 repeat
  read(condom);
 until (condom=true)
 repeat
  up_and_down;
 until climax
end.
If you are a bit kinky then the following procedure may be implemented :-
Procedure foreplay;
begin
 read(choice);
 case choice of
  1 : Strawberry Yogurt;
  2 : Baked Beans;
  3 : Ice Cream;
  4 : Vaseline;
 endcase
end.
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