The canonical list of men jokes

Men and woman are two different species who just happen to be
able to procreate. I don't hate men, I notice the difference
between the two species and accept it as the norm. When we can
laugh at these differences then we might start to understand
each other.


1 A. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Q. Bonds Mature.

2 Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

3 Q. What did god say after creating man?
A. I can do better.

4 Q. Husband: Want a quickie?
A. Wife: As opposed to what?

5 Q. Why do men want to mary virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

6 Q. I went to the County Fair. They had one of those

A. "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with
a penis and a brain.

7 Q. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A. A man's undivided attention.

8 Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. 1. No mind.
2. No business.

9 Q. How is a man like a snowstorm?
A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.

10 Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

11 Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the shit out of you.

12 Q. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A. A tourist.

13 Q. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A. To keep them from grazing.

14 Q. If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
A. convenience stores and drive through windows.

15 Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with
the person who makes all their decisions.

16 Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because they already have boyfriends.

17 Q. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at
the Olympics?
A. He had it bronzed.

18 Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.

19 Q. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A. Two ways to cross a river.

20 Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.

21 Q. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
A. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

22 Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

23 Q. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
A. Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.

24 Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
25 Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

27 Q. Why did god create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

28 Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

29 Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy
exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird."The other man
looked up and said, "where?"

30 Q. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
A. To keep the swelling down.

31 Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.

32 Q. What so you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. A licalotapus.

33 Q. What so you call a gay dinosaur?
A. A megasauras.

34 Q. What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub?
A. A 9 out of 10 men can find a pub
(typed by an unsatisfied woman)

35 Q. How do you keep a man from drowning?
A. A Take your foot of his head!

36 Q. What do you call the useless bit of fatty tissue at
the end of a penis?
A. A man:)

37 Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer??
A1: A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!!
A2: You only have to punch the data into a computer once.
A3: A Computer will go down on you without dinner and a movie.
A4: You can not put a 3.5" floppy in a woman
A5:...and a computer can't turn a 3.5" floppy into
a hard drive in a matter of seconds...

38 Q. How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four. One to actually change it, and 3
friends to brag to about how he screwed it.

39 Q. How many men does it take to put a roll of toilet
paper on the hanger?
A. No one knows... its never happened

40 Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

41 Q. How are men like paper cups?
A. Both are dispensable.

42 Q. What's the difference between a sofa and a man
watching Monday Night Football?
A. The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

43 Q. How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
A. They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.

44 Q. How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
A. You marry him.

45 Q. What's the difference between men and alley cats?
A. Men are taller.

46 Q. How many husbands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.

47 Q. How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
A. It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was
removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

48 Q. How are men like public toilets?
A1. They're either taken,
A2. they're full of shit, or
A3. They're out of order

49 Q. How are men like parking spaces?
A. The good ones are always taken and the ones that are
left are handicapped.

50 Q. What's a good way to keep a man interested?
A. Wear perfume that smells like beer.

51 Q. Why does a man have a hole and the tip of his penis?
A. To allow the O2 to flow to his brain.

52 Q. Why do men make millions of sperm cells when only one
is needed to fertilize the egg?
A. Have you ever known a man to ask for directions?

53 Q. What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework?
A. Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them.

54 Q. What is the difference between a man and E. T.?
A. At least E. T. phoned home.

55 Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?
A. When the psychiatrist tries to take him back to his
childhood, he is already there.

56 Q. What is the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

57 Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a
young woman in a bikini.

58 Q. What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six pack.

59 Q. Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis?
A. Because they should be.

60 Q. Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least, she will ask for directions.

61 Q. What's the best way to keep a man happy in bed?
A. Move the TV into the bedroom.

62 Q. Why do most women fake orgasm?
A. Because, most men fake foreplay.

63 Q. What do you call a sensitive man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

64 Q. What is a hard man good to find?
A. You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

65 Q. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

66 Q. What do you need when you have three male chauvinist
pigs up to their necks in cement?
A. More cement.

67 Q. What do men enjoy even more than lots of sex?
A. Having their buddies believe them when they talk about it.

68 Q. How do you know when a man has an orgasm?
A. He rolls over and starts snoring.

69 Q. What does a man say when he watches his wife change a diaper?
A. I could have done that.

70 Q. Why did the inexperienced man make such a lousy lover?
A. He kept waiting for the swelling to go down.

71 Q. Why are men like microwave popcorn?
A. They're done in 30 seconds.

72 Q. What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A. They were originally intended for children but it's men
who play with them.

73 Q. Why do men prefer BMW's over Chevrolets?
A. It's easier to spell.

74 Q. How do you get a macho guy to stop calling "it" The
Whopper, My Bazooka, and The Thunder Rod?
A. Ask, "Is it in?"

75 A. What's the average man's definition of foreplay?
Q. Unzipping his fly.

76 Married women consider a husband who falls asleep
immediately after sex a good lover.
A mediocre one falls asleep during.

77 Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac?
A. A cock that stays up all night.

78 Q. Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam?
A. He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease.

79 Most sophisticated women realize that any man who knows
more than three lovemaking positions have to be rated an
imaginative lover.

80 Q. Why won't a man make a commitment?
A. He's afraid he'd have to share his beer and pretzels.

81 Q. Did you hear about the man that was so dumb that he
thought the purpose of an erection was to get rid of the
wrinkles in his penis?

82 Q. What do you call a woman without an asshole?
A. Single.

83 Q. How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him
to the emergency room.

84 This woman had a man that was such an animal that when
he went to the zoo, he had to buy two tickets. One to get
in and one to get out.

85 A husband arrived home to find his wife in bed with another
man. "I don't understand," he shouted. "What are you doing
What are you doing?" His wife looked at her lover and said,
"See, I told you he was dumb."

86 Q. Why have they decided to stop circumcising men?
A. They have discovered they were throwing away the best

87 The husband came home after his annual physical and told
his wife the doctor need a urine specimen, a stool sample,
and a semen sample.
"That's easy," said the wife. "Just give him a pair of your underwear."

88 Q. What are the three things men find impossible to do?
1) Admit they made a mistake.
2) Not fall asleep after sex.
3) Ask for direction when they're lost.

89 Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes on-liners?
A. So men can understand them.

90 Q. What do married women do with their asshole every morning?
A. Dress him up and send him to work.

91 Behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.

92 If they can send one man to the moon, why can't they send them all.

93 The problem with men is that they spend too much time
thinking with the wrong head.

94 Q. What is the difference between a wife and a girl friend?
A. Forty-five pounds.
Q. What is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?
A.Forty-five minutes.

95 Q. What's the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
A. Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.

96 Q: What do you call 15 guys lying on top of one another?
A: A scrotum pole.

97 Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

98 Q. Why do men like love at first sight?
A. It saves them a lot of time.

99 Q. If A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a
man of 35 think of?
A. Dating children.

100 Q. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
A. In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

101 Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

102 Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

103 A. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
Q. They stay stuck in adolescence.

104 Q. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
A. All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

105 A. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
Q. At the circus the clowns don't talk.

106 Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

107 Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
A. Exchange him.

108 Q. Why do bachelors like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

109 Q. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't
work half the time.

110 Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

112 Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished
until next time.

113 Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

114 Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. What Men Know About Women

115 Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. Men will screw anything!

116 Q. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A. A half hour of begging.

117 Q. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A. He's breathing.

118 A. How do you save a man from drowning?
Q. Take your foot off his head.

119 Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

120 Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares.

121 Q. What do smart men and UFO's have in common?
A. You hear a lot about them, but you never see any.

122 Q. Why do Australian men cum so fast??
A. So they can race down the pub and tell their mates.

123 Q. Why are men like tiles?
A. Because if you lay them right the first time you can walk
over them the rest of your life.

124 Q. Why do Australian men cum so fast??
A. So they can race down the pub and tell their mates.

125 Q. Why did God make women?
A. He realized he made a mistake the first time.

126 Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.

127 Q. Why do men name their penises??
A. Cuz they can't stand taking orders from a stranger

128 Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A1. It's sad watching a grown man cry.
A2. Faking an orgasm will cause a man to cum faster so bad
sex is over sooner.

130 Q: Why do men were pants?
A: Did you ever see how bad they look in mini-skirts?

131 Q: Why don't men have PMS?
A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time.

132 Q. Why do men have dicks?
A. So they can play with something besides their Leggos

133 Q. Do you know why women think with their whole brain?
A. 'Cause they don't have penises to carry 3/4 of their
brains around in.

134 Q. Why are men men like toilets?
A. Most occupied, and rest shit up

135 Q. Why did God create man in his own image?
A. Misery loves company.

136 Q. What's a man's idea of a romatic gift that is also
A. A toaster that glows in the dark.

137 Q. They say that men only care about sex. That's not
exactly true. They also care a lot about:
(a) power and world domination,
(b) money,
(c) beer.

138 Q. What is a man's worst nightmare?
(a) the SuperBowl is pre-empted by a soap oper,
(b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so
he has to do it,
(c) a female boss,
(d) he has to ask his wife for money.

139 Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?
A. He eats beans for dinner.

141 Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

From: (Laura Schooler)