Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with Friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am. I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; one gives and the other takes.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was the man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late."
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!"
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new, or the wife.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire"
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
- Jim Backus
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
- Noel Coward, 1956
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
- Lisa Hoffman
She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
- Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
- Jackie Mason
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.
This is our idea of useless legislation.
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers
to burn my toast for me.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.