How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it. 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those evolutionary
things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 

All wives are alike. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. 

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. 

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90% .. It is called Wedding Cake. 

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. 

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" 

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
God, I wish I had your will power." 

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law. 

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" 
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted. "The next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a 
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.