LAWYERS


“The minute you read something you don’t understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.” -- Will Rogers

There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40? Your Honor.

“Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.” -- Franz Kafka

Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? Vampires only suck blood at night.

If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Q. What's wrong with lawyer jokes? A. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

What’s the skinniest book ever published? Legal Ethics.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy.

What happened to the banker who went to law school? Now she’s a loan shark.

Where do vampires learn to suck blood? Law school.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them, but you never see them.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Your lightbulb or theirs?

How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” -- William Shakespeare

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

We used to joke about “Having the best judge money can buy.” No more. Today, by the time you get through paying your lawyer, you don’t have anything left for a judge.

A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."

Court: A room wherein are commonly found large numbers of thieves, rapists, muggers, arsonists, perverts, degenerates and lawyers.

First lawyer: “Unmitigated liar!” Second lawyer: “Lowdown cheat!” Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”

Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion.” Client: “No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.”

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town? Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

How do you know if a lawyer is well hung? You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement? Not enough cement.

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.

What’s the difference between a shame and a pity? If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys.

Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Did you hear about the lawyer who was so lazy that he married a pregnant woman?

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of sex? Because it’s all bad and some is worse. What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.

Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach? The cats keep covering them up with sand.

There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer’s funeral. “Here’s a hundred,” he said. “Bury 10 of ‘em.”

Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.? Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.

What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer? One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.

How can you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer lying on the highway? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.

She: You just don’t care anymore! He: You’re just upset. Why don’t I buy you something to make you feel better? She: Like what? He: How about a trip to Europe? She: No. He: What about a new Jaguar? She: No. He: Well, what DO you want? She: A divorce. He: (Pause) I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

 

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”

Partners at a big law firm gather for a picture at their annual dinner. All look glum. The photographer tries several jokes to lighten the mood, but none work. Finally, inspiration hits. “Just say ‘fees,’” he says.

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, “Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.”

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Fifty-Four.
* 8 to argue
* 1 to get a continuance
* 1 to object
* 1 to demur
* 2 to research precedents,
* 1 to dictate a letter
* 1 to stipulate
* 5 to turn in their time cards
* 1 to depose
* 1 to write interrogatories
* 2 to settle
* 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb,
and * 28 to bill for professional services

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