A Driver's License Application


GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

 Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

 Agent:  ______________

 Attorney:  __________________

 Sex: ___ male ____ female _____ formerly male
 ________formerly female __________ both

 If female, indicate breast implant size:  ______

 Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor
 vehicle in any way?  Yes___  No ___

 Occupation:
 [  ]  Lawyer
 [  ]  Actor/Waiter
 [  ]  Film-maker/Self-employed
 [  ]  Porn Star
 [  ]  Writer
 [  ]  Car Dealer
 [  ]  Agent
 [  ]  Prostitute/Transvestite
 [  ]  Other; please explain: ___________________

 Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car:

 Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.

 Please list:

 Brand of cell phone:  __________. (If you don't own a cell phone,
>>please
 explain.)

 Please check hair color:
 Females: [  ] Blonde [  ] Platinum  Blonde [  ]  Beach Bunny Blonde
 Teenagers: [  ] Purple [  ] Blue [  ] Skinhead
 Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.

 Please check activities you perform while driving:  (Check all that apply)
 [  ] Eating a veggie wrap
 [  ] Applying make-up
 [  ] Talking on cell phone
 [  ] Snorting cocaine
 [  ] Slapping kids in the backseat
 [  ] Having sex
 [  ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
 [  ] Tanning
 [  ] Watching TV
 [  ] Reading Variety

 Please indicate how many times:
 a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
 b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

 A simple test:
 If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
 a) Call the police to report the crime;
 b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on
    the news on a high-speed chase;
 c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
    company for 911 call not going through;
 d) Call your therapist;
 e) None of the above (South Central resident).

 Please indicate if you drive:
 a) a BMW,
 b) a Lexus,
 c) a Mercedes, or
 d) Cabriolet.

 If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal
 delivery time for your driver's license.

 In the event of an earthquake, should you:
 a) stop your car,
 b) keep driving and hope for the best,
 c) immediately use your cell phone to call your agent and all loved ones,
or
 d) cry

 In the instance of rain, you should:
 a) never drive over 5 MPH,
 b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
 c) what is this "rain" you speak of?

 Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:  ____.

 Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

 a) Prozac
 b) Zovirax
 c) Lithium
 d) Zanax
 e) all of the above

 If none, please explain:  __________________.

 Length of daily commute:

 a) 1 hour;
 b) 2 hours;
 c) 3 hours;
 d) 4 hours or more.

 When stopped by police, you should

 a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
 b) try to outrun them by driving in the opposite direction on the 405,
 c) have your video camera ready and provoke an attack, ensuring
    yourself of a hefty lawsuit
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