When I was younger I hated going to weddings it seemed that all of my
aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Johnny asks grandpa: Do you still have sex with granny?
Grandpa says: Yes, but only oral.
Johnny asks: What is oral?
Grandpa says: I say fuck you, she says fuck you too.
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the bottles for the 10
cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
BET YOU'LL READ IT TWICE!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
"I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
No Additional Charge:
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION -
it comes bundled with the software.
Q: "How many computer scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "Five. Two write the specifications, one to prove their validity and two to implement it."
Q: "Well, how many hackers does it take?"
A: "One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights."
Quotes from Professors at UW:
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
- C. Durance Computer Science 234
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
- Hepler Systems Design 182
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese.
It is the first time they have flown together and it is obvious by the silence that they do not
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters:
- I do not like Chinese.
The First Officer replies:
- Oooooh, no likee Chinese? Why dat?
- You bombed Pearl harbor. That is why I do not like Chinese.
- Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.
- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it does not matter, they are all alike.
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says:
- No likee Jew.
- Why not? Why do not you like Jews?
- Jews sink Titanic.
- No, no. The Jews did not sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.
- Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same
Gun Shop Owner: Hi, How can I help you?
|| Linki || Kaila
Client: I am looking for a gun.
Owner: What kind of gun are you looking for?
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): That one looks
Owner: (very surprised): Why do you need a .44 magnum?
Client: It is for shooting at cans.
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) Well, this is the perfect size for
shooting at cans.
Client: (pointing again at the .44) Nah, I need this one.
Owner: OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?
Client: Mexi-cans... Puerto Ri-cans... Afri-cans...