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THE AMERICAN'S GUIDE TO FRANCE:
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as
important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations
of no particular importance and
with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and
Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert
cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning
is little used and it is next
to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food.
One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people
insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted
Watch your money at all time.
France has a population of 57 million people. 52 million of these drink
and smoke (the other 5 million
are small children).
All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed, and
have no concept of standing patiently in line.
The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant,
aloof and disciplined; those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess
it from their behavior.
Many French are communists.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each
other when they meet.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps
and colorful trousers for easier
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be aware
that from time to time it is
invaded by Germany.
Traditionally, the French surrender immediately.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
been opened in recent years
to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future
German invasions, and for
them to offload all their illegal immigrants.
Charlemagne discovered France in the Dark Ages.
Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan
of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for
many years and is now an airport.
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Parliament's principal
occupation is setting off
atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when
other countries complain.
According to the most current American State department intelligence,
the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not
available at this time.
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why. All their music
sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to
watch for anything but the nude scenes.
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
just a slug with a shell on its back.
Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible
for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised
to stick to cheeseburgers.
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all.
If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike
and blocking the roads with
their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance
to the economy, are wine,
nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers,
land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among It's
361 national holidays are:
197 Saints' days,
37 National Liberation Days,
16 Declaration of Republic Days,
54 Return of Charles de Gaulle-in-triumph-as-if-he-won-the-
2 "France is Great and the Rest of the World Stinks" Days.
At least it's not Germany.