Are you addicted to the internet?

You know you're hooked on the Internet if..

You think "surfing" is something you do on dry land.

You find yourself staring at your "inbox" waiting for new e-mail to arrive.

You communicate with people on other continents more than you do with your own neighbors.

Your business cards contain your e-mail and home page address.

You promise yourself that you'll only stay online for another 15 minutes...at least once every hour.

You dream about creating the world's greatest web site.

You start using smileys in your snail mail

You know you're really hooked on the Internet if...

•You cut classes or miss work so you can stay home and browse the web.

•Everyone you know asks why your phone line is always busy
...and you're seriously considering getting a second phone line.

•You get up before the sun rises to check your e-mail, and you find yourself in the very same chair long after the sun has set.

•You forget to eat because you're too busy surfing the net.

•You religiously respond immediately to e-mail, while ignoring your growing pile of snail mail.

•You sit down at the computer right after dinner and your spouse says "See you in the morning."

•Your kids start referring to you as "that guy in front of the monitor."

•You're constantly yelling at your wife for using the phone for stupid things...like talking.

•You purchase a laptop so can surf while sitting on the can.

You know you're really, really hooked on the Internet if...

•You think more about being online than you do about sex
...and to heighten the sensation, you install a mirror over your PC.

•You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just so you can have the free Internet access.

•You brag to all of your friends about your date Saturday night...but you don't tell them it was only in a chat room.

•You join listservs just for the extra e-mail.

•You know what a listserv is.

•You've given up the search for the "perfect woman" and instead, sit in front of the PC until you're just too tired to care.

•At parties, you introduce your spouse as your "service provider."

•Your wife melts your keyboard in the oven.

•Your pet rock leaves home.

•In addition to your e-mail address being on your business cards you even have your own domain.

•Your husband has his lawyer deliver the divorce papers...via e-mail.

•Your computer costs more than your car.

Perhaps you should consider finding a new hobby if...


•Your house stinks because you haven't cleaned it in a week.

•You go outside and look for a brightness knob to turn down the sun.

•You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

•Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

•You get a tuner card so you can watch TV while surfing.

•You and your friends get together regularly on IRC, even though all of you live in the same city.

•When told to "go to your room" you inform your parents that you can't...because you were kicked out and banned.

•Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

•You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

•You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

•You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

•You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

 

It may be time to seek professional counseling if...

 

•E-mail Deficiency Depression (EDD) forces you to e-mail yourself.

•You lie, even to user-friends, about how long you were online yesterday.

•You find yourself counting emoticons to get to sleep.

•All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

•And even your night dreams are in HTML.

•You rate eating establishments not by the quality of the food, but by the availability of electrical outlets for your PowerBook.

•You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

•You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.


You might be able to qualify for disability benefits if...

•You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

•You start introducing yourself as "Jim at A-O-L dot com."

•Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

•You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

•You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

•Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

•All of your friends have an @ in their names.

•When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

•You read this entire Are you addicted page looking for something that doesn't describe you.

Now is the time to apply for citizenship to Cyberia if...

•You're being audited because you mailed your tax return to the IRC.

•You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

•You'd rather go to http://www.weather.com/ than look out your window.

•You'd rather catch a score on the web than watch the game as it is being played on tv.

•You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

•Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

•You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from French Guinea.

•You really believe in the concept of a "paperless" office.

•You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

•You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

•You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html.

•You invent another person and chat with yourself in empty chat rooms.

•You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

•Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.

 

•Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

•You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

You might as well just install a phone jack directly into your jugular vein if...


•You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

•The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

•You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

•You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

•You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

•You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

•You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

•Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

•As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your final instinct is to search for the "back" button.

•The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.

•You buy a pager so family and friends that really need to get through can beep you to return their call.

•The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

•You create a homepage with the impression to cure the afflicted...but your hidden agenda is to receive more e-mail.

•Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged on in two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISPs access number. You try to humm to communicate with it. You succeed.

•You read all the quotes on this page and keep thinking "What's wrong with that?"

From Krzysztof Hejnar
chrishejnar@mindspring.com