Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personals Ads


WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish...................... 49
Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
Athletic.................... No tits
Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
Free spirit................. Junkie
Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun......................... Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener...............Borderline Autistic
New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............... Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded................. Desperate
Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................ Certified Bitch
Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
Social...................... Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height. Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............. Old bat


MEN'S ADS

40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated.............. Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit........... Banging your sister
Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.......... Arrogant
Very good looking..... Dumb as a board
Honest................ Pathological Liar
Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy
Mature................ Older than your father
Open-minded........... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not
interested
Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive........ Gay
Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts